Have you ever had a dream that feels so weird and surreal, but at the same time so real that you swear it is not a dream, but the reality you live? That when you wake up, you're not sure if you're awake or still sleeping?

I had on of those last night. So deep and that hit me so much, that after a few seconds of bein awake, i had to put a hand over my mouth as i cried, scared of it, afraid of what i had seen. I looked at my reflection in the mirror while i cried, and i couldnt hold the look at the reflection, nor stop cryin.

Basically, i died. In the literal way, and that isnt what scared me. In fact, thats how the dream started. I remember i had no idea how i died, how or what happened to me, but i was still on earth. What i knew about the 'accident', is what i heard from people here and there, specially my mom; that i was going to school or some class when there was some kind of mudslide or avalanche, and a tree fell to my car, crushin me and endin with me.
Suddenly, i was at home, but i didnt know i had died. All i know is that no one could hear me, or see me. I was invisible to the people that should care the most for me and that i cared the most.
I heard things and saw my mother givin the news to everyone, i saw my brother continuin with his typical life with videogames and WWE and his friends, as if nothin had happened, i saw my dad continuin bein so busy with work to notice life around him...
Life moved on, and it was as if i had been nothin to them. I tried communicatin with them, to attract their attention, and all i got was a jokin attitude from them.
I saw my own funeral, where absolutely no one, of the few that went, got close to say goodbye to me, where everyone was with his same attitude, my uncle, who is my godfather, sleepin during the service...
When i finally managed to communicate with them, managin to move stuff, it was like a joke to them, as if it was somethin normal and not to care.
Seein this from my own family, i remember gettin away from my house, searchin for someone who remembered me, who cared for me and was in at least a bit of sufferin or remorse by my death, that meaning that i had been important in their lives.
I found none of that...
All the people around seemed to not care about the objects movin, and i was invisible to them, a shadow now, nothin that they cared.

Thats when i woke up.

I think that is what scared me the most: the sense of loneliness, to know i was trapped in that place, sorrounded by people i always cared about and that i thought cared about me, and just to find out that no one was not even the least affected by my death, which meant i had been nothin to anyone. And i realize it scares me still now, and i'm cryin while i type this. It scares the hell outta me to think i could be so meaningless, that life could end for me and i didnt made one bit of an impact in anyone's life as to say i was somethin, i did somethin for them, that i could be remembered with affection for someone.
I'm scared to be alone, to be left alone in that sense, i wont deny it.
Life could end tomorrow, who knows, but what would happen to us, to our memory, to what we were?

Psychotherapy theories say that dreams are, accordin to Freud, representations of the childhood wishes. I remember my childhood, sometimes feelin like that, alone, or hurt in ways that all i wanted was to dissapear, to be invisible. Now i think about it and it scares me so much....

I dunno, maybe i shouldnt analyze my own dreams with what i've learned at Uni, but i cant help it, it came natural to my head as i couldnt take that nightmare out of my head, and whats worse, is the fact that i found it scaringly real, that to me, it makes sense, what i dreamt, and what my life has been, is or used to be.

Whatever it was, when i woke up, i was scared to even think that what i had just seen, had been real, and i had to go see for myself, see my mother and that she can see me, and knows who i am.
I had a meetin at uni, and i thought of wearin a black blouse the night before, but i changed it this morning into a bright yellow one when i was gettin dressed. As ridiculous as it could sound, i did it for one reason: because i knew that it was a color that attracted the eye, cuz i wanted to make sure of people would see me, notice that i'm here, that i exist, i'm not some invisible thing that will just pass and dissapear in the same way it came, like some small piece of dust that the wind takes away and no one ever notices.

I'm still scared and sensitive about it, but i prefer typin it out, takin it out of my chest in words and tears, that to keep it inside myself and torture myself with it, knowin it...