It's been a while...

Since I wrote a blog about anything, I guess I just try to pass things up and forget about them. This time I can't do that just as easily.

I know I've never been the coolest, most amazing, most popular girl in the world; even if I tried to, I'd never be such thing. And yet, or perhaps because of that, I guess I think of my friends as the most precious, important things to me in the world. I know I don't often show it, because I'm always afraid of bothering people and annoying them, but it's never been with a bad intention. Far from it.

This is my letter to them, because I know I don't have the courage to say things to them face to face.

I've known you all since High School, always have tried to fit with you and feel like I truly belong to the circle of friends I've always believed we are. For that same reason, it hurts deeply to suddenly find those reminders, maybe you don't even notice, that I'm not. I'm an outsider element, I get together maybe once in a while but I'm not considered to it most of those moments.

I love you all because you're what I've always wanted to be, because you're the first real friends I thought I had. For that, I thought you cared about me just in the same way. I know I may sound melodramatic, it is not my intention to be.

Maybe you don't mean to harm, there's my hopeful thinking, but the pain in my chest doesn't dissapear just because of that. I see the pictures of how much of a good time you have together and I wonder, if everyone in the group is there, why no one told me, no one invited me?

It hurts to be forgotten by those you care about.

I guess that what hurts is that not only am I being put aside, but left behind too. If I commited such a crime that earned me being left like this I'd like to know what it is, because I don't understand.

I don't understand and it still hurts.

I don't want to see those pictures, those reminders of the situation. Where do I go from here? Should I tell you? Aren't you the ones that should say something to me?

Let's play his game of pretend once more, like nothing happened so the past, precious moments can remain like that. The past.

I don't think I want to talk to any of you in a while...



Thanks a lot, guys

Why hello there, awkward, emotional situation...

Today I'm a little shaken up. Imagine how much if I'm actually writing a blog about it instead of just letting go of it, like I normally would. Fine, maybe it's a bit more than a little shaken up. Whatever.



I warn to whoever reads this, it will be a long rant.

I was at a certain class today, and in it we do plenty activities that actually are helping me some to figure out myself a little bit, to understand myself, you could say. Today though, the activity kinda hit buttons here.

At first, it was all kinda innocent: close your eyes, relax, feel your breathing, your body, how you're feeling at the moment. While we were still with our eyes closed, the teacher told us to repeat after him "I am, and I have the right to...", which we did over and over again. After a while, he told us to repeat the line (always out loud) and complete it with something you thought you had the right to.

I said: "I am, and I have the right to be happy".

A few times after we repeated that, he told us to open our eyes and turn to face the person next to us. Time to work in pairs. While facing the person, again go repeating the full sentence, over and over again. As I did so I started feeling all tingly in my throat; that should've been mi cue, but I kept going, no matter how much it was bothering me. After a while the need to cry had intensified and I felt my throat closing, but I continued. I actually tried smiling a few times as we worked, hoping to ease the tension I felt in myself, but it was pointless.

Of course, it didn't end there. The professor told us to now, grab the hand of the person in front of him, and imagine is the person trying to take away our right to what we desire, in this case to happiness. The idea was to pull, to not let that person take our right away from us, to leave us without the things we know we deserve. I tried pulling with all my strength, but it never felt as if it was enough, just as if the person was stronger than me, trying to take it all away. As I pulled I kept asking that person in my head why was he/she doing it, why take my happiness away, why leave me brokenhearted...

I got no answer, of course.

Afterwards, we were told to imagine in front of us the person who we felt was blocking us from reaching that wish, the person who didn't allow is to get what we deserved by right. It wasn't just a random person being mean anymore, it was someone who hurt is, someone who was supposed to actually be blocking our way to happiness. That's when it started. I tried hard to imagine people; my mother with her over-protectiveness and neurosis, my brother with his arrogance and the 'I'm better than you' attitude, my father with his obsession over work being more important than anything else; even the ex I haven't seen in more than a year, but who caused me a harsh break down and to trust less and less in guys and their intentions. I couldn't stop at one person, to focus on one, because even as I know they somehow have made it harder for me to actually be happy, I know they were maybe not the ones to blame at all, but me for letting them, so to say they're stopping me from reaching that happiness felt like I was being a coward, shoving the blame of it all on everyone else, when it is my burn that I can't allow myself to be happy. Sure they've hurt me, there's no reason to deny that, but to put the blame on them for my own unhappiness felt like such a low thing to do, I couldn't do it. In the end, I think I was seeing only myself in front of me. Not them, not my partner in the activity, but me.

My eyes started getting watery and my throat kept closing on me as I repeated the sentence over and over again. I felt my head starting to pound, and knew my face was getting red.

The next step was to imagine the opposite; to imagine in front of us the person who was there by our side, who helped us achieve our goal and be what we wanted, the person who supported us and worried about our happiness. Once again I tried thinking of someone; friends, my parents, no one seemed to fit the position in a correct way, a way that felt natural. The only person I could think that could be there, the only person who I remember clearly giving me always unconditional support on anything, especially on achieving some grade of happiness, was my grandma. My grandma who died 4 years ago.

I kept seeing her in front of me, thinking on the way I should see her, what she would think of me trying to hard to hold my tears in, worried so much about her opinion and thinking on how much I miss her, how much I wish she was here and that I could feel her again, being in a way I can't recall anyone else being.

By that time we were not telling the phrase anymore, and I'm glad because I don't think I would've been able to speak a word and not crumble right then and there. If there's something I hate, is to cry in front of people, and show how weak I am. Which is exactly what I was close to exposing, once again, to tear up the facade of a strong person when all I wanted was a hug from her. The one thing I can't have.

Ironically, the next thing was to hug the person in front of you (your partner for the exercise), in this soothing way the teacher showed us. I think I squeezed the life out of the poor girl, holding onto her and trying not to break down in tears.

Next thing I did: get out of the classroom and to the bathroom for paper and to throw cold water at my face until it at least got it's normal color.

I'm not sure yet how I feel about the way this experience got me, considering not many others have caused such a reaction from me, but I think I might talk to them with the teacher. After all, it's him who put the activity, and he should know how to help me, right?

At least writing it out kinda helped a bit.

Fuck, my head hurts now. Again.



...I warned this would be long beforehand...

Wow. Did I really let this blog abandoned for so long O.o??

Dayum...sorry?
I guess I've just have been having lots of stuff around lately, and haven't really remembered. I dunno, just... univeersity is turning out to be more evil than usual, and I'm working hard on it, feeling like I'm lost and unsure of how to procede in everything. I dunno, I just look around, and it seems like everyone knows exactly what they're doing, but not me. It's like being alone, in a little kayak, watching all the big yates and boats passing around; I feel I'm smaller, slower, and not getting nowhere near as fast and well as the others...

Ugh, moving on to something less depressing, please?

In case anyone cares to know, yes, I do drive alone now, the Matiz is 'technically' mine (it was supposed to be since they bought it, years ago...oh, the parenting blackmail...joy -_-) and I havent gotten involved yet in any serious case of running over people xD
But I do drive alone arooound, with my music as loud as I waant, the music I liiiike :D
I don't care how tiring driving could be, I'm loving the fact that I have a small time for myself alone <3

Seems like I'm re-inforcing friendships, making new ones, while some others just vanished in the past. Funny, huh? we know the memories are there, and the good times...we just don't know what happened that pulled us apart.

Ugh, I'm sleepy, think I'll blog in another moment...

And yes, I do intend to try keep it more updated from now on!!!!

Eeek!

Thou shall forgive, for I've let this get abandoned for a month without it being my intention at all. If you do, I shall give some yummy happy food!!!!

Ummm...forgive coffee, he's in bad mood at the lack of sugar xD.



Honestly, I swear it wasn't my intention to let this without attention for so long. I've even considered, as apologize, to post here a certain story I wrote for a halloween challenge, chapter by chapter.

Would that make you all happy?

Man, I've left this all abandoned... Boo school, boo office, and boo everything.

Let's see, quick updates:
*My mom is back from her trip to Argentina (3 weeks!)
*I got my driver's licence (yay to that one)
*I kinda work.
*I fell at school today, in the middle of the place where everyone saw me (major fail)

Ugh, I have a bloody headache that just refuses to go away. And apparently I'm too tense. The fact that a friend called me today a hypocrite, when that's something I am not, does not help ¬¬ .
I'm always amazed by how politics can bring the best and worst from people, and in this case it was something small, just in my school. Sure, I picked my candidate to be with and help, but to not support the one she chose does not make me a hypocrite. It makes me someone with a mind of my own, deciding by myself and not for people opinions. Plus I never said I'd go for her and her candidate, I said I'd go for the one I preferred.
Free will and election, thank you??
Yeah, that's my opinion.

On a greater level, I can say I'm trully glad that Obama won the elections on USA. Sure, it's not my country, but that doesn't mean I don't care. After all, we're neighbors, and whatever happens, will have an effect here on Mexico. I don't think the world could handle another government like Bush, and Obama is change. No only for being bi-racial, but for looking towards the future, for believing in the chance of the world to become a better place.
How could I not prefer someone that can make this world we live in, something nicer for us, and the new generations?

And since I'm already ranting, let's touch another subject: the goddamn prop 8. I still can't understand what is the big deal with people denying gays and lesbians a right they had already been given. Is it fear? People wanting to share their lives and properties with someone of their same gender, being homosexuals, is not gonna hurt them, not going to crawl up their skin like a disease to bring them all to hell, not going to do any bloody thing.
All people is free of choosing what they want to do with their lives, right? then why not letting them also live in the way they prefer?
Or is it that they prefer a world with Stepford wives and husbands in what they can see, when in the privacy of their lives, nothing is what it seems? There is no way to change a person and the feelings that run deep inside someone's heart, and a proposition taking away what is already been given, to me is just an example ofthe ignorance and fear that runs within people. It happened now in California, but what about other places?
Just...ridiculous.

Life is life, no matter if a person is white, assian, black, latin, gay, lesbian, or bi. And it's in hands of no one to try decide what others should do with it, because your life is only owned by one person: yourself.

One would think that people is smarter.

Seriously, intolerant much? One of the news that has kicked harder lately here in Mexico is what happened in Queretaro (a city in the center of the nation). Basically, 200 people got gathered to attack like 4 or 5 emos, who were all minors, 14-15 years old. They all ended severelly hurt and on the hospital.

A silent march was organized, all dressed in white, to protest pacifically against this, and what happens? police has to get in there cuz people with the same ideals of the ones who attacked, went there to get whoever supported the cause, for apparently supportin emos.

The people who attacked werent just stupid kids, but also grown ups, who sould give the example, right? They were all kind of people in there, all labeled as 'punks', 'darks', 'hippies', and a lot more. Why the need to attack those who are different? A lot is talked about racism and intolerance, and people inmediatelly think on stuff like KKK and all against color, jews or poor people, but what about this? it happens right where we live, for somethin as stupid as the way people look!
One would think people are smarter as to think for themselves instead of followin the ideas of a few many to cause damage on others for reasons as stupid as these are...

But saddly, there are groups in other cities that decided to do the same, all anti-emos. Instead of attackin to 'clean the city and Mexico' (neo-nazi much?), they should clean themselves, for god's sake! what future can this country expect to have, if somethin like this is happenin just around the corner?? as if drugs, crime, violence and corruption werent enough...

So what, they attacked the emos now, who's gonna be next? 'darks', 'punks', 'preps'? and where will that lead us? to more violence, to turn Mexico into a place where people will be scared to show themselves for what they like in fear of gettin attacked?

Dont missunderstand me, I love Mexico, is the place where I was born, its a beautiful and diverse country and I'm privileged enough as to live in a 'calmed' city, but still, there's no way to ignore this kinda things happening, that are coming to surface and kickin us all in the face. Hello! this is a freakin sign for help that this place needs!

*sigh*
I needed to take that off my chest...

*sigh*

I'm sooo bored lately! its the bad side of vacations...routine attacks and there is nothin interestin to do, at least not more than what i usually do.
Well, new semester is about to start, next monday actually, and i'm not sure if i feel excited, anxious, overwhelmed, or what. It will be nice to get back to school and work on stuff, but after what happened last year, i know i already studied what i'm gonna face this period. Guess it kinda takes away the excitement, huh?

Aaaanyway....learned from mistakes of the past, and ready to go back to it, lets kick some asses at school!

PS: all you assholes who want to mess with me and complicate me, fear, cuz i wont let you!!


Hmmm...that was supposed to sound meaner and more threathenin than it actually did....