Eeek!

Thou shall forgive, for I've let this get abandoned for a month without it being my intention at all. If you do, I shall give some yummy happy food!!!!

Ummm...forgive coffee, he's in bad mood at the lack of sugar xD.



Honestly, I swear it wasn't my intention to let this without attention for so long. I've even considered, as apologize, to post here a certain story I wrote for a halloween challenge, chapter by chapter.

Would that make you all happy?

Man, I've left this all abandoned... Boo school, boo office, and boo everything.

Let's see, quick updates:
*My mom is back from her trip to Argentina (3 weeks!)
*I got my driver's licence (yay to that one)
*I kinda work.
*I fell at school today, in the middle of the place where everyone saw me (major fail)

Ugh, I have a bloody headache that just refuses to go away. And apparently I'm too tense. The fact that a friend called me today a hypocrite, when that's something I am not, does not help ¬¬ .
I'm always amazed by how politics can bring the best and worst from people, and in this case it was something small, just in my school. Sure, I picked my candidate to be with and help, but to not support the one she chose does not make me a hypocrite. It makes me someone with a mind of my own, deciding by myself and not for people opinions. Plus I never said I'd go for her and her candidate, I said I'd go for the one I preferred.
Free will and election, thank you??
Yeah, that's my opinion.

On a greater level, I can say I'm trully glad that Obama won the elections on USA. Sure, it's not my country, but that doesn't mean I don't care. After all, we're neighbors, and whatever happens, will have an effect here on Mexico. I don't think the world could handle another government like Bush, and Obama is change. No only for being bi-racial, but for looking towards the future, for believing in the chance of the world to become a better place.
How could I not prefer someone that can make this world we live in, something nicer for us, and the new generations?

And since I'm already ranting, let's touch another subject: the goddamn prop 8. I still can't understand what is the big deal with people denying gays and lesbians a right they had already been given. Is it fear? People wanting to share their lives and properties with someone of their same gender, being homosexuals, is not gonna hurt them, not going to crawl up their skin like a disease to bring them all to hell, not going to do any bloody thing.
All people is free of choosing what they want to do with their lives, right? then why not letting them also live in the way they prefer?
Or is it that they prefer a world with Stepford wives and husbands in what they can see, when in the privacy of their lives, nothing is what it seems? There is no way to change a person and the feelings that run deep inside someone's heart, and a proposition taking away what is already been given, to me is just an example ofthe ignorance and fear that runs within people. It happened now in California, but what about other places?
Just...ridiculous.

Life is life, no matter if a person is white, assian, black, latin, gay, lesbian, or bi. And it's in hands of no one to try decide what others should do with it, because your life is only owned by one person: yourself.

One would think that people is smarter.

Seriously, intolerant much? One of the news that has kicked harder lately here in Mexico is what happened in Queretaro (a city in the center of the nation). Basically, 200 people got gathered to attack like 4 or 5 emos, who were all minors, 14-15 years old. They all ended severelly hurt and on the hospital.

A silent march was organized, all dressed in white, to protest pacifically against this, and what happens? police has to get in there cuz people with the same ideals of the ones who attacked, went there to get whoever supported the cause, for apparently supportin emos.

The people who attacked werent just stupid kids, but also grown ups, who sould give the example, right? They were all kind of people in there, all labeled as 'punks', 'darks', 'hippies', and a lot more. Why the need to attack those who are different? A lot is talked about racism and intolerance, and people inmediatelly think on stuff like KKK and all against color, jews or poor people, but what about this? it happens right where we live, for somethin as stupid as the way people look!
One would think people are smarter as to think for themselves instead of followin the ideas of a few many to cause damage on others for reasons as stupid as these are...

But saddly, there are groups in other cities that decided to do the same, all anti-emos. Instead of attackin to 'clean the city and Mexico' (neo-nazi much?), they should clean themselves, for god's sake! what future can this country expect to have, if somethin like this is happenin just around the corner?? as if drugs, crime, violence and corruption werent enough...

So what, they attacked the emos now, who's gonna be next? 'darks', 'punks', 'preps'? and where will that lead us? to more violence, to turn Mexico into a place where people will be scared to show themselves for what they like in fear of gettin attacked?

Dont missunderstand me, I love Mexico, is the place where I was born, its a beautiful and diverse country and I'm privileged enough as to live in a 'calmed' city, but still, there's no way to ignore this kinda things happening, that are coming to surface and kickin us all in the face. Hello! this is a freakin sign for help that this place needs!

*sigh*
I needed to take that off my chest...

*sigh*

I'm sooo bored lately! its the bad side of vacations...routine attacks and there is nothin interestin to do, at least not more than what i usually do.
Well, new semester is about to start, next monday actually, and i'm not sure if i feel excited, anxious, overwhelmed, or what. It will be nice to get back to school and work on stuff, but after what happened last year, i know i already studied what i'm gonna face this period. Guess it kinda takes away the excitement, huh?

Aaaanyway....learned from mistakes of the past, and ready to go back to it, lets kick some asses at school!

PS: all you assholes who want to mess with me and complicate me, fear, cuz i wont let you!!


Hmmm...that was supposed to sound meaner and more threathenin than it actually did....

Have you ever had a dream that feels so weird and surreal, but at the same time so real that you swear it is not a dream, but the reality you live? That when you wake up, you're not sure if you're awake or still sleeping?

I had on of those last night. So deep and that hit me so much, that after a few seconds of bein awake, i had to put a hand over my mouth as i cried, scared of it, afraid of what i had seen. I looked at my reflection in the mirror while i cried, and i couldnt hold the look at the reflection, nor stop cryin.

Basically, i died. In the literal way, and that isnt what scared me. In fact, thats how the dream started. I remember i had no idea how i died, how or what happened to me, but i was still on earth. What i knew about the 'accident', is what i heard from people here and there, specially my mom; that i was going to school or some class when there was some kind of mudslide or avalanche, and a tree fell to my car, crushin me and endin with me.
Suddenly, i was at home, but i didnt know i had died. All i know is that no one could hear me, or see me. I was invisible to the people that should care the most for me and that i cared the most.
I heard things and saw my mother givin the news to everyone, i saw my brother continuin with his typical life with videogames and WWE and his friends, as if nothin had happened, i saw my dad continuin bein so busy with work to notice life around him...
Life moved on, and it was as if i had been nothin to them. I tried communicatin with them, to attract their attention, and all i got was a jokin attitude from them.
I saw my own funeral, where absolutely no one, of the few that went, got close to say goodbye to me, where everyone was with his same attitude, my uncle, who is my godfather, sleepin during the service...
When i finally managed to communicate with them, managin to move stuff, it was like a joke to them, as if it was somethin normal and not to care.
Seein this from my own family, i remember gettin away from my house, searchin for someone who remembered me, who cared for me and was in at least a bit of sufferin or remorse by my death, that meaning that i had been important in their lives.
I found none of that...
All the people around seemed to not care about the objects movin, and i was invisible to them, a shadow now, nothin that they cared.

Thats when i woke up.

I think that is what scared me the most: the sense of loneliness, to know i was trapped in that place, sorrounded by people i always cared about and that i thought cared about me, and just to find out that no one was not even the least affected by my death, which meant i had been nothin to anyone. And i realize it scares me still now, and i'm cryin while i type this. It scares the hell outta me to think i could be so meaningless, that life could end for me and i didnt made one bit of an impact in anyone's life as to say i was somethin, i did somethin for them, that i could be remembered with affection for someone.
I'm scared to be alone, to be left alone in that sense, i wont deny it.
Life could end tomorrow, who knows, but what would happen to us, to our memory, to what we were?

Psychotherapy theories say that dreams are, accordin to Freud, representations of the childhood wishes. I remember my childhood, sometimes feelin like that, alone, or hurt in ways that all i wanted was to dissapear, to be invisible. Now i think about it and it scares me so much....

I dunno, maybe i shouldnt analyze my own dreams with what i've learned at Uni, but i cant help it, it came natural to my head as i couldnt take that nightmare out of my head, and whats worse, is the fact that i found it scaringly real, that to me, it makes sense, what i dreamt, and what my life has been, is or used to be.

Whatever it was, when i woke up, i was scared to even think that what i had just seen, had been real, and i had to go see for myself, see my mother and that she can see me, and knows who i am.
I had a meetin at uni, and i thought of wearin a black blouse the night before, but i changed it this morning into a bright yellow one when i was gettin dressed. As ridiculous as it could sound, i did it for one reason: because i knew that it was a color that attracted the eye, cuz i wanted to make sure of people would see me, notice that i'm here, that i exist, i'm not some invisible thing that will just pass and dissapear in the same way it came, like some small piece of dust that the wind takes away and no one ever notices.

I'm still scared and sensitive about it, but i prefer typin it out, takin it out of my chest in words and tears, that to keep it inside myself and torture myself with it, knowin it...

Wanna read a story?
Here it goes:

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was not happy. She had family, and a good house, and all, but she hated her life. She went to school and felt awkward even around her own friends. She used to search for comfort in dancin and doin other things.
When she graduated from high school, she decided she'd enter uni and try leavin her past behind, use uni as a new begginin for tryin bein happier. Unfortunatelly, when she started to go to classes, she discovered that in her classroom was some of the poeple that used to bully her at high school so much. This made her insecure and to try keepin a bit away from the others, afraid of bein hurt again, specially when she discovered almost everyone there was close-minded and followed the bully.
She was very unhappy, and hated goin to uni, even if it was to study sumthin she wanted to. Slowly, she started feelin worse, cuz this time, she almost didnt even had friends in this new environment. She felt insecure about herself, and had a low self-esteem. From there, everythin started goin down for her; her grades, her interaction with people around her, she just hid behind her music, the only thing that made her feel safe.

As the situation continued, there was finally a moment when she couldnt hold on anymore, and she exploded, cryin and feelin miserable when she found out she was failin on school so bad, that she was gonna have to re-take the year. A nice lady came to her, she had always worried about her, and tried talkin to the girl, but she was too upset and scared. The lady tried to help her and sent her with someone else to talk to, someone who could listen to her, understand her and give her some advice, make her start believin in herself again.

The girl felt so bad, that agreed, even if she was scared and all she wanted was to dissapear, knowin that she was probably gonna dissapoint her parents. She was just glad her grandma wasnt alive anymore to see it, even if she loved her and missed her so much everyday.
She started visitin that person the lady recomended once every week. First, she felt unsure, and not so sure about trustin in him; she had the idea that if she trusted in him, in the end he was gonna hurt her, laugh at her or not understand her.

Luckily for her, that didnt happened.
She started feelin more comfortable when she found out that this man was actually gonna be like a friend and that he cared for her, and was there to help her. She visited that person for almost a year, and slowly a change started happenin in her.
As she felt more confident to talk, she started seein that maybe the world wasnt so bad as she had always felt. She started feelin more secure about herself, although she was still shy and prefered to be discrete, unless than being surrounded by people she really felt safe. Slowly but safely, the girl started leavin some of her fears behind, and started also to figure out who she was, at least a bit more. She understood that she wasnt the only one with problems, and that not all problems were her fault; that she couldnt change past as much as she wanted to, and that she couldnt change people either, just learn to deal with them. She learned also to speak for herself, and to not be scared to be herself, the unique person she was.

On the last visit to her friend, the girl felt sad. She knew she was better now, but it still felt sad to think that she was not gonna see him more. His job with her was done. She thanked him and cried, but this time, they were tears of sadness and happiness, and she knew things would be alright.
She said goodbye to him with a smile, feelin better with herself and thinkin on how much he had helped her. She knew she wasnt gonna be able to thank him enough for what he did to her...

Now, the girl is a whole different person. She's a bit more open to the others, and is not so afraid to be herself. She still hides sometimes behind her music, but also because she loves music, not just as a way to escaper from the world. Only when its too overwhelming.

That girl....that girl is me.
It was a long way to reach the point i am now, but i dont regret it anymore. It made me who i am...

So...I'm hella bored....

*tests*

Yeah, ok, this will do.

Life sucked last year, major sucked. But it seems like slowly it's all gettin back to its course. University keeps bein quite a bitch, but i'm going through it and, even if i had to repeat, whatever, i think it was for the best...i have new people around me and i dont feel as bad with myself as i used to.

Guess that its natural, huh?
You cut the sh!t out, and try to see things in a different way, and life will do as it seems better...

Although i still wish i hadnt had to repeat a whole damn year bcuz of one bitchy teacher ¬¬