Why hello there, awkward, emotional situation...

Today I'm a little shaken up. Imagine how much if I'm actually writing a blog about it instead of just letting go of it, like I normally would. Fine, maybe it's a bit more than a little shaken up. Whatever.



I warn to whoever reads this, it will be a long rant.

I was at a certain class today, and in it we do plenty activities that actually are helping me some to figure out myself a little bit, to understand myself, you could say. Today though, the activity kinda hit buttons here.

At first, it was all kinda innocent: close your eyes, relax, feel your breathing, your body, how you're feeling at the moment. While we were still with our eyes closed, the teacher told us to repeat after him "I am, and I have the right to...", which we did over and over again. After a while, he told us to repeat the line (always out loud) and complete it with something you thought you had the right to.

I said: "I am, and I have the right to be happy".

A few times after we repeated that, he told us to open our eyes and turn to face the person next to us. Time to work in pairs. While facing the person, again go repeating the full sentence, over and over again. As I did so I started feeling all tingly in my throat; that should've been mi cue, but I kept going, no matter how much it was bothering me. After a while the need to cry had intensified and I felt my throat closing, but I continued. I actually tried smiling a few times as we worked, hoping to ease the tension I felt in myself, but it was pointless.

Of course, it didn't end there. The professor told us to now, grab the hand of the person in front of him, and imagine is the person trying to take away our right to what we desire, in this case to happiness. The idea was to pull, to not let that person take our right away from us, to leave us without the things we know we deserve. I tried pulling with all my strength, but it never felt as if it was enough, just as if the person was stronger than me, trying to take it all away. As I pulled I kept asking that person in my head why was he/she doing it, why take my happiness away, why leave me brokenhearted...

I got no answer, of course.

Afterwards, we were told to imagine in front of us the person who we felt was blocking us from reaching that wish, the person who didn't allow is to get what we deserved by right. It wasn't just a random person being mean anymore, it was someone who hurt is, someone who was supposed to actually be blocking our way to happiness. That's when it started. I tried hard to imagine people; my mother with her over-protectiveness and neurosis, my brother with his arrogance and the 'I'm better than you' attitude, my father with his obsession over work being more important than anything else; even the ex I haven't seen in more than a year, but who caused me a harsh break down and to trust less and less in guys and their intentions. I couldn't stop at one person, to focus on one, because even as I know they somehow have made it harder for me to actually be happy, I know they were maybe not the ones to blame at all, but me for letting them, so to say they're stopping me from reaching that happiness felt like I was being a coward, shoving the blame of it all on everyone else, when it is my burn that I can't allow myself to be happy. Sure they've hurt me, there's no reason to deny that, but to put the blame on them for my own unhappiness felt like such a low thing to do, I couldn't do it. In the end, I think I was seeing only myself in front of me. Not them, not my partner in the activity, but me.

My eyes started getting watery and my throat kept closing on me as I repeated the sentence over and over again. I felt my head starting to pound, and knew my face was getting red.

The next step was to imagine the opposite; to imagine in front of us the person who was there by our side, who helped us achieve our goal and be what we wanted, the person who supported us and worried about our happiness. Once again I tried thinking of someone; friends, my parents, no one seemed to fit the position in a correct way, a way that felt natural. The only person I could think that could be there, the only person who I remember clearly giving me always unconditional support on anything, especially on achieving some grade of happiness, was my grandma. My grandma who died 4 years ago.

I kept seeing her in front of me, thinking on the way I should see her, what she would think of me trying to hard to hold my tears in, worried so much about her opinion and thinking on how much I miss her, how much I wish she was here and that I could feel her again, being in a way I can't recall anyone else being.

By that time we were not telling the phrase anymore, and I'm glad because I don't think I would've been able to speak a word and not crumble right then and there. If there's something I hate, is to cry in front of people, and show how weak I am. Which is exactly what I was close to exposing, once again, to tear up the facade of a strong person when all I wanted was a hug from her. The one thing I can't have.

Ironically, the next thing was to hug the person in front of you (your partner for the exercise), in this soothing way the teacher showed us. I think I squeezed the life out of the poor girl, holding onto her and trying not to break down in tears.

Next thing I did: get out of the classroom and to the bathroom for paper and to throw cold water at my face until it at least got it's normal color.

I'm not sure yet how I feel about the way this experience got me, considering not many others have caused such a reaction from me, but I think I might talk to them with the teacher. After all, it's him who put the activity, and he should know how to help me, right?

At least writing it out kinda helped a bit.

Fuck, my head hurts now. Again.



...I warned this would be long beforehand...